My mind drifts up and down, bouncing between creative endeavours, career pursuits, and anything that could give me a sense of purpose that would also count as my job. It’s been an awkward time of figuring out whether certain dreams are worth striving for or giving up on.

I’ve always wanted to work from home. It’s one of my dreams, to be able to live in a house that I have built with my partner, to have my own tastefully decorated office with a big ol’ iMac with our adopted dog snoozing on the lounge while I answer emails and work tirelessly for a career that I love. What I haven’t figured out just yet, however, is what I would actually be working on.

I’ve always admired the power of bloggers and YouTubers and other influencers, and their ability to reach out to a mass audience that they have built for themselves. It is definitely something I would love to do. Being able to preach self-love, awareness, and compassion to a wide, or even slight, audience would be a fantastic career and something I’d love to pursue.

Yet, the anxiety of failure and depression’s feelings of worthlessness tend to stop me before I’ve even begun. It’s keeping me in a job that while pays me enough, is not fulfilling. It’s keeping me in a rented house, in my bed surfing the Internet on my days off instead of working towards this dream like I should be. It keeps me here in this safe little risk-free bubble that is gives nothing back but repetition and mediocrity.

I’m lucky enough that I have a house, a loving and supportive partner, and a fantastic family. I realise my luck in the lottery of life and I am grateful for it, but I think I need more before I mummify myself in these bed sheets while watching makeup tutorials.

So, on this Sunday, I’m going to pledge to myself that I am not going to let anxiety and depression keep me here for much longer. I am not looking to be cured, but I am looking to cope. And through coping, I am going to try and I am going to thrive.

See you next week (hopefully),

Holly Christine Lee 

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